How I Became a Pretty Angry Person

10:53 PM

You may know me as Allie Jekyll, but, these days, I'm going by Allie Hyde (cheesy literature joke anyone?). I want to hit something. HARD. I am angry and I'd love to take it out on something. I even contemplated asking for a punching bag for my birthday (April 21, in case you were wondering). I haven't always been a loose canon, ready to explode at any second. Well, I've always had a little bit of a temper, but not like this. For the past two weeks I have been out for blood, I may have even instigated a few fights (sorry Mom, sorry Michael). I'm not proud of that. My poor husband has to live with a person who is exhibiting the behavior of a psychopath with steroid-enhanced PMS.

So why the out of control anger and rage? The paleo diet. Oh, the paleo diet. Cutting out all grains, dairy, sugar, most fruit, and coffee (and pretty much every good and delicious food) has shocked the niceness out of my body.

It's not all bad, however. I get to eat things like apples "fried" in coconut oil and coconut milk (DELICIOUS) once a day:

Michael found this recipe. He's the best!

But, then again, I mostly just eat things like vegetables pureed into soup.

Please admire my classy Gladware.
And chicken. LOTS of chicken.
It's cheap. I'm cheap. Match made in heaven.

HANDY PALEO TIP: If you make some delicious drumsticks (cooked in olive oil, thyme, and rosemary), be sure to dispose of the remains properly and immediately. Do not leave the bone on the table, your blind dog will somehow figure out how to push the chair out, hop on it, climb on the table, and go to town on the chicken bone. He will also scatter the shells of your hard-boiled egg, making a huge mess on the floor. Do not leave them in the garbage. Your blind dog will figure out how to open the cupboard and tip the trash over to get it. He will also figure out how to break the elastic you put on the two cupboard pulls so he couldn't make a mess again. You will discover that your dog is actually a genius. He will drive you crazy but you will love him because he looks like this:

I will say that, despite the raging anger, I am feeling better. I have not had any hives since I started paleo, save for the one time two times I cheated. Michael and I had some birthday cheesecake (we planned on having that before we started paleo and ran it by our doctor. He said "do what feels right". When doesn't cheesecake feel right?), and it was fantastic. I laugh/cried with joy. That, combined with stress and a late night, resulted in the worst hives of my life. Nearly a week later, I still have the "scars" remaining. It's safe to say that I will not be eating cheesecake any time soon. The other time I cheated was a few days ago. Michael and I adore ice cream. Seriously, if we could, we would double fist it and shove it in our mouths faster than a competitive kid playing "chubby bunny". There is no reasonable paleo substitute for ice cream that does not involve bananas. Every non-banana recipe I've found involves about 300 steps and is more trouble than it's worth. I decided to get some ice cream in hopes that it would give me hives so I could learn my lesson. So far so good, so I might have an occasional cheating problem. We'll see :)

Also, I've lost about 6 pounds, which is pretty good for a week and a half. The sugar withdrawal has made me too tired to work out, so it's nice that I lost that weight while sitting on my derriere eating bacon, fried apples, and other pretty alright foods. This is especially awesome because my body is resistant to losing weight thanks to my lovely thyroid. Michael and I have also cheated the system by having small amounts of 85% dark chocolate. It definitely helped with the sugar withdrawals!

HANDY PALEO TIP: If you are eating chocolate, be sure to put it away after eating. Do not leave it on the couch and go to Target for a mini-date. Your dog will eat half a giant bar and get chocolate poisoning  He will throw up all night and all over, ruining the scent of chocolate forever. He will also throw up directly on you (if you're Michael). He will get super hyper and will need to go to the animal hospital at three in the morning.

I have done a stand up job sticking to this, y'all. I have been following it to the LETTER. Except twice. But you're allowed three strikes with everything in life, right? Considering I did this cold turkey, I am pretty much a champion. I've never possessed an ounce of willpower in my life, and now I have an abundance! I'm still struggling with drinking all the water I'm supposed to be, taking all my supplements, and going to bed at time. I was supposed to be lights out 48 minutes ago, and off electronic devices an hour and 48 minutes ago. Oops!

So paleo doesn't sound too terrible, right? I'm losing weight AND eating bacon, and my body is going to be incredibly healthy. Despite this, I am still super grumpy. I miss greek yogurt, ice cream, and would sell my left arm for a  green tea frappucino. Actually, I am left-handed, so maybe my right arm. My body is in shock, and I can't blame it! I guess crazy-strong-angry emotions are its way of dealing with it. Most of the time you can hear me using sailor's words in the same sentences as the names of vegetables. I am a lot more whiny and complain a lot more than usual. My personal advice is to have little to no contact with me in the next....however long it takes to get a normal head on my shoulders again. And, if anyone has a spare punching bag, please send it my way!

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  1. Hugs to you and I know you will soldier through this cause what is the alternative....feeling like crap for the rest of your life? Hang in there!!



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